My wandering...

I'm laughing to myself.  I love MANY things and it always seems that I have my creative ideas and thoughts at night or in the car when I really don't want to write or I can't write unless I just stop driving.  I wish I had a little tape recorder I could record my thoughts on.  That would be lovely.  Well it's 10:20pm on Sunday night and I decided to bake.  I am missing Athens, and ERC zucchini bread.  I went to the Franklin farmers market last weekend and bought a bunch of zucchini and haven't touched it.  So... I thought I would try to make my own zucchini bread and what better time to do it then 10pm on a Sunday night.  I also found a recipe for zucchini and sweet potato frittata on a Paleo website that I had all the ingredients too that I am also about to make.  Btw I am thinking about doing the Paleo diet.  (This is a prim example of how I just have too many interests & want to do too many things.)  Anyways I had to stop cooking, sit down, and get some of these thoughts out.  This might be the most random blog post I'll ever write but no one really reads this so here I go.

I love to read blogs, I often find myself on people's blogs that I don't even know.  The other day I found this photography blog and then I noticed she had a link to a design blog, and then a link to a website where you could buy a program to show how photographs could be laid out on the wall that she is selling to photographers, and then a jewelry website and a mom website!  Some carried a theme with the same main name for each website with the exception for her jewelry website/store.  I was slightly envious at all she had done and at the same time I was thinking how she needs to combine it all together & he just has too many tings going on.  Then I realized I am her.  I have about 10 business plans, 30 passions and hobbies, and 2 blogs and 3 websites none of which are really very advertised and non of them I LOVE.  I have problems ;)  I just love so much.  In fact today at church I was talking to a man who designs book covers and cd packaging and I was thinking, gosh that would be fun I need to get into that!  It never stops.  Why can't I just be good at one thing.  Master it and love it.  I am always finding a website or blog layout that I like better than mine, I think about changing mine but I know I won't be happy for long.

This is where God comes in.  We need to find our full satisfaction in Him and just enjoy the passions and joys and relationships in life but not expect them to give us life.  I am learning to accept who I am.  I am passionate and a planner.  I like to have a plan but be spontaneous.  I try to wake up each day and choose life (Deut. 30:20).  I need to just be okay that I like lots of things.  I guess it is good that I am not afraid to try new things, but I would like to be more of a finisher.  I am a great starter.  Maybe the man I marry one day will be a good finisher and we will make a good team.  Maybe we will just be a passionate mess who has 10 hobbies, 5 projects, and 10 goals that change each day.  I just hope I embrace who God made me and learn to use my gifts for His glory.  Well I will end this mess of a post with a list of my loves that I wrote in my journal the other night.

ME.
I am a lover of many things.
In fact I'm a horrible decision maker which probably leads to my many interests.
I love art.
Interior design, photography & graphic design.
I'm a dreamer.
I love big ideas & connecting people.
I love good food.
Like really good food, especially at local restaurants, coffee shops, & wine bars.
My favorite desserts are a tie between chocolate molten lava cake with vanilla ice cream & strawberry shortcake.
I hate choosing "favorites"...it feels so limiting.
I love being outside.
It awakens my soul.  I especially like being outside if I am by water.
I'd choose the lake over the ocean.
I love hiking, mountain biking, camping, & running (when I am in shape).
I'd rather read blogs or a good book than watch sports on tv (except for maybe my alma mata Georgia college football).
I can spend all day working on a design project and it feels like just a few hours.  I think I have hyper focus or something.
I wish I was a morning person & that my house was always tidy but the reality is I can burn the midnight oil and get more done at night and my house is only in order when I have company or a slow work day.
I hope to have a real garden, a big dog, and a big family one day.
I don't know my right from my left.  (I have to do the "L" hand trick for those who can relate.)
I love a good bargain and shopping at old antique stores.
I actually love my job.
I think one of the greatest joys is sharing life with those who you know & who know you & love you still.
Sometimes I wonder if I am a slave to my MANY to do lists.
I love lists.
I think I have the best family and friends out there.  There are not perfect, but close.
Fresh cut wild flowers make me happy.
And they make me even happier in a blue mason jar.
I love scarfs.
Good music can change my attitude in a matter of seconds.
I'm an all in kind of girl.
It can just take me awhile to be all in.
I love to travel.
I do it as often as I can.
I love adventures.
Especially spontaneous ones.
I've learned for me to be alive, I must have a creative outlet.
I love birds,
I love cooking but don't love doing the dishes.
I love a clean kitchen.
I like handmade gifts the best.
I love handwritten letters.
I judge a book by its cover.
I love sharpie pens.
I wish there were more hours in a day.
I love ceramics.
Most of my money goes to food and traveling.
I don't give up easily.
Some people would say I am stubborn, I like to say I'm persistent.
I love color.
I'm insecure about my writing.
Of all the things I love, my ultimate love will always be Jesus, my rock when everything around me falling apart.
I could live life without tv, french fries, & candy bars.
I couldn't live life without the sun, passion or eternal hope.
When it comes to games, watch out, I'm competitive!
I love people.
I love other cultures and going into their culture and world.
I dislike cats.
I've felt the most free while riding a horse out West.

My Prayer

I found this great prayer the other day in "The Valley of Vision"  I love it.  Here is the prayer from the book:

MORNING NEEDS

"O God, the author of all good,

I come to thee for grace another day will require

for its duties and events.

I step out into a wicked world,

I carry about with me an evil heart,

I know that without thee I can do nothing,

that everything with which I shall be concerned,

however harmless in itself,

may prove an occasion of sin or folly,

unless I am kept by thy power.

Hold thou me up and I shall be safe.

Presevere my understanding from subtilty of error,

             my affections from love of idols,

my character from stain of vice,

my profession from every form of evil.

May I engage in nothing in which I cannot implore thy blessing,

and in which I cannot invite thy inspection.

Prosper me in all lawful undertakings,

            or prepare me for disappointments;

Give me neither poverty nor riches;

Feed me with food convenient for me,

            lest I be full and deny thee

            and say, Who is the Lord?

            or be poor, and steal, and take thy name in vain.

May every creature be made good to me by prayer and thy will;

Teach me how to use the world, and not abuse it,

            to improve my talents,

            to redeem my time,

            to walk in wisdom toward those without,

            and in kindness to those within,

            to do good to all men,

            and especially to my fellow Christians.

And to thee be the glory."

Oh how I need grace each day.  My heart is so prone to wonder.  My perspective so quick to be downcast.  How I need to be reminded that I need God and his grace for every breathe.  Lord, there has been so many valleys lately.  Please give me your power & strength to walk in your grace.  So many unknowns that I want to trust you with.  I want my hands to remain open to your will, when things are hard and when they are great.  You know so much better than I.  Please preserve my understanding from error.  Help me to have wisdom with my future decisions.  As soon as I make one decision in faith another opportunity seems to open up in a completely different city.  Keep me a women of integrity, honesty and trusting in you.  I am so tempted to just give up.  Trusting you can be so hard God.  I want my character to honor you, my profession to give you glory.  Prepare me for disappointments and for prosperity.  Keep me generous despite my situation.  I want to be your servant in good and bad times.  When it is hard and when it is easy.  I am a stranger here.  This is not my home.  Help me to remember that but to make the most of this life.  I want to use my time here for good.  Redeem my time, improve the gifts you have given me, help me to know and use this gifts for your glory.  Give me grace to be kind to others and breathe grace to this broken world.  To you be the glory Lord.  Use me in the redemption of your broken world.  Thank you for my salvation.  I am forever indebted to you.  You are my first love.  I am learning more and more each day of your sweet love Jesus, how sacrifical it really is, how satisfying and constant it is.  How flawless and unconditional. And how imperfect my love is.

Black Friday

I have been meaning to post this since Black Friday.  I have since "composed" 3 or 4 other blog posts in my head since, so I really have no idea how this one will come together.  For many, black friday is a day where you get up before the sunrises to get a great deal on something you have been wanting or maybe you don't even need or want it but you are just into the deal.  I love deals, I love getting up early mapping out my course.  It may be somewhat shallow and materialistic but it temporarily feels good.  Well this balck friday I did not join in the consumerism, instead my heart broke as my dream of marrying my best friend ended.  Black Friday will forever have a whole new meaning to me.  I can't even describe the emotions I felt that day.  Now, it is almost 2 months later and I still hurt, I don't understand why God allowed this but I am clinging to the hope of the Cross and to God's perfect love.  I guess my "life motto" has kinda come to kick me in the butt..."Perspective is everything...God is good"  I still claim it as my motto, I still believe it but man have I been challenged by it.  Three weeks before your dream wedding, to your dream man, after moving all your stuff to your future apartment, quitting your job, subleasing your house...I can still say God is good and I have fought to have good perspective but it has been very hard most days.  I want to include a e-mail I sent my bridesmaids a few days after everything happened.

My best friends,

First, I want to apologize to those of you I have not been able to keep updated over the past week.  I am so incredibly thankful for each of you and for the prayers, texts, verses and encouragement you have been.  I am going to continue to need support and love over the next few months as you all should know by now, we had to call off our wedding late Friday night. I haven’t slept much lately and I am just beginning to understand the magnitude of pain and hurt I am going to need healing from.  I was 3 weeks away from marrying my best friend and the man I love so much.  I really want to protect Kirk's reputation so if anyone outside you (my bridesmaids) or my closest family asks about this situation, please tell them for now that, "Kirk and Christine love each other deeply and it was not an issue of their love for one another but that right now Kirk could not handle the responsibility and commitment of marriage along with all the stress and pressures of the career transition.  Please keep them in your prayers and if you have more questions please ask Christine" and try not to give additional details.  I just do not want Kirk to feel any worse then he already does.  As for ya'll I want to talk to you all in person or on the phone but for now I will try my best to explain what has happened.

Really , no one saw this coming and it has nothing to do with me or if we love one another.  Kirk has not doubted his feelings or love for me but rather he has been overcome with deeply rooted fears.  I am so confident that Kirk loves me.  In fact, I think he loves me more than himself and that is the only reason he had the courage to be so honest and expose his intense fears with me, my family and a few of his closest friends.  It really has been incredibly sad to see a whole different Kirk the past week.  I think he has never had the pressure and decisions to make like he has the past few months and he just couldn't handle it.  He lost all confidence in himself and in the Lord to sustain him.  I think he fears the loss of his freedom and giving up the ease of single life and fears the responsibility of marriage.  Can I lead Christine?  Can I provide for a family?  How can I be a good husband, and find a job and work hard, and be a musician?  It just overwhelms him.  He has no direction career wise which has added to the confidence issue.  I don't know, maybe if he had more time with all these transitions it would have been easier on him and easier to handle or maybe this was bound to happen with the pressure and stress of a marriage and it was just a matter of time to bring it out. 

The past week I have been trying to encourage, believe in, build up Kirk and help him see we have the Lord and HE gives us the strength for each day and HE will provide us our needs.  I have told him over and over I love him and that he can do this.  At the end of the day Kirk just couldn't say with confidence that he could commit to me.  He really is a different person.  Kirk has been extremely strong and confident during our whole relationship.  This week all confidence has left him.  I am very thankful that he shared his fears and did not just hold them in until a week after our wedding.  That takes a lot of courage.  He really did make the harder decision to call off the wedding then to move forward and not tell anyone his fears. Please pray for Kirk, as you can imagine he feels like he failed.  Pray that God would strengthen him.  One thing that I have been encouraged about is how we have both turned to God and prayer and scripture over the past week.  God is our refuge and our Rock. 

I know I will be okay but right now I am hurting.  I feel like I am going through a death.  I have been emotionally married to Kirk during our 3 months of engagement, I have even moved my entire life into our future apartment in Nashville.  There are so many details and so many things that need to be decided.  I quit my job with Campus Outreach and I have a sublease for my house in Athens.  So basically , I am homeless and unemployed.  Luckily, I have awesome parents who will take care of my needs for now.  Pray God would show me where to live, what church and community to plug into and that He would provide a job for me.  The whole direction of my life has changed.  Its still really sinking in. 

I want to emphasize I am not mad or angry with Kirk but extremely sad.  I gave my heart to Kirk and overnight he is no longer in my life.  Its hard to understand why God allowed this.  I know God is good and in control and will carry me through.  Here are some verses I am clinging too:

*Is 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
*Ps 27 "...the Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?...One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.  For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock."
*Ps. 46:1-2 "God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."
*2 Chron. 16:9 "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."
*Is 49 "For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones...I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."
*Is. 41:10 "so do not fear fr I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you..."
*Micah 7:7-9 "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me.  Do not gloat over me my enemy, though I have fallen I will rise....the Lord will be my light...He will bring me out into the light."
*Psalm 18:1-2 "I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer. My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
*Ps 23 all of it
*Ps 25:4 "Show me your ways O Lord, teach me your paths, guide me in your truth and teach me for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long....all the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant."

I love you all.  Thanks for hurting with me and fighting with me.  Please pray that I will fall in love again and that one day in God's perfect timing I will be a wife and have a family.  This is such a longing in my heart.  Pray I would cling to Jesus, cling to His scripture, let the body of Christ love me and help me.  Pray for healing and restoration.  Pray for direction and wisdom.  Pray that God would use this to strengthen my faith and make me more like Jesus.  That I would love Him and others more through this and grow closer with my family and friends.  Pray that I would know God's love in a deeper way and trust Him more.  I love you all.

Trusting in Him,

 

Christine

I hope this shows you a little of thought process after everything.  I guess what I really want to say is God is enough.  It is still hard for me but even if I never get married, never have kids, I would still choose God and Jesus and heaven.  Gosh I want those things, I want to experience Jesus through them and glorify Him in them but I will chose to trust God and His way.  This is pretty raw but I just wanted to get it out. 

Praying for Peace & Joy.

Life Mottos

Something we have been doing at my house lately is making up a life motto.  We are loving it.  Everyone kinda has a different take on it. 

Rachael's is, "If it feels right do it."  That is not to be mistaken for if it feels "good", but if it feels "right".  I like to think that she is saying follow the Spirit's leading.  Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit.  1 Corinthians 6:12 says: "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial..."  We are meant for the Lord.  He wants us to do good works.  Well done Rach.

Katuschka is all about really doing what you feel.  Expressing the feelings we have and not holding back.  Like when you love someone but fear grips you...don't hold it in but run up to them and give them a huge hug!  I like hers as well.  I can be so inhibited that I don't always allow myself to feel big.  I think I am missing out.  This blog is living proof that I am trying to overcome my fear.  I don't think I am a good writer, I don't want to worry about trying to be cool and edgy so I never blog.  But I am just doing it.  I felt it and baaam.  Here we go!  Toosh's motto is "Do what you feel." 

Mary's is lyrics from a song.  "Where you invest your love, you invest your life." I really like that.  It is similar to Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  This weekend at church we sang a song and one verse is, "All my delight is in you Lord, all of my heart, all of my soul."  I started crying because I knew not only was that not true, but it wasn't even what my heart had wanted all weekend.  My delight was in finding a perfect place to live with Kirk.  It was in trying to be the perfect fiancee.  My weekend was very disappointing because there is no perfect house and I am a sinner  therefore I am bad at loving Kirk.  I think those are good desires, to be a good wife, to make a home but I was investing my love, my time, all my energies to what I wanted and it failed.  I want to invest my love into others, not so I can get what I want but to love them.  I want to invest my love in the gospel.  I love my God, I love my wonderful man Kirk, I love my life.  Lord please help me to invest my love where there is life.

So this leads up to my life motto. 

"Perspective is everything.  God is good."

Just think on that one for a moment.  Perspective really is so much of life.  Deuteronomy 30:20 "now choose life."  Philippians 4:8 "...Whatever is true, whatever is noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  We must remember to go through life "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...and be thankful" Colossians 3:15  The second sentence is necessary thought because we must always remember God is good.  That can be hard to remember when your friend has cancer, a baby died in her sleep, when someone dies who is not a believer of Jesus Christ, when you overwithdrawl your bank account or burn dinner.  God how easy life would be if I could always remain in good perspective and belive that you are always good.  Strengthen my faith when I loose perspective.  Use the downs to build more ups.  Today is a new day.  Today is going to be good because God is so so good.

What is your life motto? 

Humility

So today is one of those days when I wish I had it all together.  I wish I had not snoozed for 30 min and got in the Word first thing in the morning.  I wish I had not forgotten about my doctor appointment in Duluth and had to cancel on Lauren for lunch.  I wish I had not forgotten to put the recycling bin out.  That means it will be overflowing for the next week!  I wish I had not forgotten my wallet and had to ask the doctor office to kindly let me pay them for their service later AND let me borrow $25 for gas so I could make it out of the parking lot and back to Athens.  Yes, some of that is lack of planning but some of that is just me.  And as I drove back I realized, that it's okay.  I can't spend my whole life trying to have it together.  That is not what it is about.  The Lord calls us to be humble in spirit and to Love the Lord our God and to put others before ourselves.  If that means forgetting my wallet here and there then I'm okay with that.  Lord grow me in wisdom and in love.  I want you to be interwoven in my life.  I want you to overflow from my every action, thought, & word.  I do not want to ooze out selfishness & self righteousness.  Help me to grow in Humility Lord and please use my cracks to grow beautiful gardens.  I am learning to embrace my cracks and see how you can use them for beauty.  I love you Lord.

True Love

I think I am beginning to see what Luke 6:32-36 means.  “if you love those who love you what credit is that to you?  Even “sinners” love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you?  Even “sinners” do that.  And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?  Even “sinners” lend to “sinners” expecting to be repaid in full.”

"True faith is loving a person after he has hurt you.  True love makes you stand out."- Francis Chan.  Am I willing to love after I have been hurt...yes but only because Christ loves me after I have denied him, turned from him, and not been obedient.  Christ loves without expectation.  He gave me something which I can never repay him for.  I am seeing how consumed with safety I am.  Lord I want to always be willing to pray this prayer “God bring me closer to you whatever it takes.”  I am learning how pain and brokenness can bring us to a deeper place with Christ.  I am becoming less concerned with being shielded from pain and distress and more concerned with knowing God and this world knowing Him.  Lord please continue to carry me through the storms and through the sunny days.  It seems like I need you more on the sunny days.  My need is so much more evident in the storms.  I love you Lord.

stronger

It’s been a year or so since I’ve made this blog which I never use and I am still just as prone to wander.  I am seeing though how God uses brokenness, my wandering to draw me back to Him and come to a deeper place of worship.  I love the lyrics to this song Stronger. “Faithfulness none can deny through the storm and through the fire, there is  truth that sets me free, Jesus Christ who lives in me.  You are stronger, you are stronger, Sin is broken you have saved me.  It is written Christ is Risen, Jesus you are Lord of ALL!”  This song just makes me weep.  He is stronger, stronger than my fears, my doubts, my anxious heart, my sin, my faithlessness.  Strength is in the Lord! 

I’ve had an emotional and sad few months.  Reality has been different than my expectations.  I have been broken over a guy, a friendship, and several life situations.  I have seen how my love is tainted with sin, selfishness, and with strings attached.  I’ve seen the idol of wanting a spouse, wanting to be a perfect friend, wanting to be needed, wanting to be seen as steady rocked.  Through the tears, through the sadness I have seen God’s faithfulness.  I’ve seen how strength is in the Lord and how He is constant when everything around me is changing.  I am so prone to wander and so quick to forget that He is Stronger.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiicZMV98tY