Black Friday

I have been meaning to post this since Black Friday.  I have since "composed" 3 or 4 other blog posts in my head since, so I really have no idea how this one will come together.  For many, black friday is a day where you get up before the sunrises to get a great deal on something you have been wanting or maybe you don't even need or want it but you are just into the deal.  I love deals, I love getting up early mapping out my course.  It may be somewhat shallow and materialistic but it temporarily feels good.  Well this balck friday I did not join in the consumerism, instead my heart broke as my dream of marrying my best friend ended.  Black Friday will forever have a whole new meaning to me.  I can't even describe the emotions I felt that day.  Now, it is almost 2 months later and I still hurt, I don't understand why God allowed this but I am clinging to the hope of the Cross and to God's perfect love.  I guess my "life motto" has kinda come to kick me in the butt..."Perspective is everything...God is good"  I still claim it as my motto, I still believe it but man have I been challenged by it.  Three weeks before your dream wedding, to your dream man, after moving all your stuff to your future apartment, quitting your job, subleasing your house...I can still say God is good and I have fought to have good perspective but it has been very hard most days.  I want to include a e-mail I sent my bridesmaids a few days after everything happened.

My best friends,

First, I want to apologize to those of you I have not been able to keep updated over the past week.  I am so incredibly thankful for each of you and for the prayers, texts, verses and encouragement you have been.  I am going to continue to need support and love over the next few months as you all should know by now, we had to call off our wedding late Friday night. I haven’t slept much lately and I am just beginning to understand the magnitude of pain and hurt I am going to need healing from.  I was 3 weeks away from marrying my best friend and the man I love so much.  I really want to protect Kirk's reputation so if anyone outside you (my bridesmaids) or my closest family asks about this situation, please tell them for now that, "Kirk and Christine love each other deeply and it was not an issue of their love for one another but that right now Kirk could not handle the responsibility and commitment of marriage along with all the stress and pressures of the career transition.  Please keep them in your prayers and if you have more questions please ask Christine" and try not to give additional details.  I just do not want Kirk to feel any worse then he already does.  As for ya'll I want to talk to you all in person or on the phone but for now I will try my best to explain what has happened.

Really , no one saw this coming and it has nothing to do with me or if we love one another.  Kirk has not doubted his feelings or love for me but rather he has been overcome with deeply rooted fears.  I am so confident that Kirk loves me.  In fact, I think he loves me more than himself and that is the only reason he had the courage to be so honest and expose his intense fears with me, my family and a few of his closest friends.  It really has been incredibly sad to see a whole different Kirk the past week.  I think he has never had the pressure and decisions to make like he has the past few months and he just couldn't handle it.  He lost all confidence in himself and in the Lord to sustain him.  I think he fears the loss of his freedom and giving up the ease of single life and fears the responsibility of marriage.  Can I lead Christine?  Can I provide for a family?  How can I be a good husband, and find a job and work hard, and be a musician?  It just overwhelms him.  He has no direction career wise which has added to the confidence issue.  I don't know, maybe if he had more time with all these transitions it would have been easier on him and easier to handle or maybe this was bound to happen with the pressure and stress of a marriage and it was just a matter of time to bring it out. 

The past week I have been trying to encourage, believe in, build up Kirk and help him see we have the Lord and HE gives us the strength for each day and HE will provide us our needs.  I have told him over and over I love him and that he can do this.  At the end of the day Kirk just couldn't say with confidence that he could commit to me.  He really is a different person.  Kirk has been extremely strong and confident during our whole relationship.  This week all confidence has left him.  I am very thankful that he shared his fears and did not just hold them in until a week after our wedding.  That takes a lot of courage.  He really did make the harder decision to call off the wedding then to move forward and not tell anyone his fears. Please pray for Kirk, as you can imagine he feels like he failed.  Pray that God would strengthen him.  One thing that I have been encouraged about is how we have both turned to God and prayer and scripture over the past week.  God is our refuge and our Rock. 

I know I will be okay but right now I am hurting.  I feel like I am going through a death.  I have been emotionally married to Kirk during our 3 months of engagement, I have even moved my entire life into our future apartment in Nashville.  There are so many details and so many things that need to be decided.  I quit my job with Campus Outreach and I have a sublease for my house in Athens.  So basically , I am homeless and unemployed.  Luckily, I have awesome parents who will take care of my needs for now.  Pray God would show me where to live, what church and community to plug into and that He would provide a job for me.  The whole direction of my life has changed.  Its still really sinking in. 

I want to emphasize I am not mad or angry with Kirk but extremely sad.  I gave my heart to Kirk and overnight he is no longer in my life.  Its hard to understand why God allowed this.  I know God is good and in control and will carry me through.  Here are some verses I am clinging too:

*Is 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
*Ps 27 "...the Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?...One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.  For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock."
*Ps. 46:1-2 "God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."
*2 Chron. 16:9 "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."
*Is 49 "For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones...I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."
*Is. 41:10 "so do not fear fr I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you..."
*Micah 7:7-9 "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me.  Do not gloat over me my enemy, though I have fallen I will rise....the Lord will be my light...He will bring me out into the light."
*Psalm 18:1-2 "I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer. My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
*Ps 23 all of it
*Ps 25:4 "Show me your ways O Lord, teach me your paths, guide me in your truth and teach me for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long....all the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant."

I love you all.  Thanks for hurting with me and fighting with me.  Please pray that I will fall in love again and that one day in God's perfect timing I will be a wife and have a family.  This is such a longing in my heart.  Pray I would cling to Jesus, cling to His scripture, let the body of Christ love me and help me.  Pray for healing and restoration.  Pray for direction and wisdom.  Pray that God would use this to strengthen my faith and make me more like Jesus.  That I would love Him and others more through this and grow closer with my family and friends.  Pray that I would know God's love in a deeper way and trust Him more.  I love you all.

Trusting in Him,

 

Christine

I hope this shows you a little of thought process after everything.  I guess what I really want to say is God is enough.  It is still hard for me but even if I never get married, never have kids, I would still choose God and Jesus and heaven.  Gosh I want those things, I want to experience Jesus through them and glorify Him in them but I will chose to trust God and His way.  This is pretty raw but I just wanted to get it out. 

Praying for Peace & Joy.